I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
