Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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