The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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