11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
