So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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