So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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