I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
