And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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