i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
