i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
