My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
