u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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