Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
