I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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