wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
