i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
