i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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