Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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