He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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