My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
as a side note pls kill me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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