1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
