Your tits are I can't wait for
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
