you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This couple is walking their pig around campus
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
