Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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