He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
