also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
