you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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