Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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