The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
