I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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