What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He felt like a one man threesome
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My vagina just recognized that song.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
