there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
