I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
