I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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