just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
