My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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