i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
