Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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