Betty ford says i'm here all night
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
