No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
