Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
