when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
