i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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