Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
