so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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