that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
