you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
