watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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