Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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