Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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